So my depression has been pretty severe over the past week or so. I relapsed on cutting, but am currently determined not to cut, even though the urge is the most intense it has been for quite some time. I feel so cold and tired, it’s like my entire body wants to shut down. My heart actually hurts as if it’s conflicted between trying hard to keep beating and trying hard to stop beating. I don’t even have the energy to eat, I’ve been putting it off since this morning and it’s already half five. It sucks so much, because for the first time in years I’m actually happy, I have friends who accept me, I have a loving boyfriend who I couldn’t imagine having to be without and I actually have some kind of a future. I should be happy. But suddenly I’m not.
I feel so shit, but I want to keep it from my friends, I don’t want them to know that something’s wrong. I especially don’t want my boyfriend to know, I’m terrified that this will start to get on his nerves or bore him. The problem is, I can’t smile, I can only talk softly and you can just tell from my face and body language that something isn’t right. I’m desperately hoping I can pull myself together before I see him again, I don’t want him to see me like this, it was bad enough him seeing me crying. I shouldn’t be burdening him like this, but I just broke and I think it’s just going to take a long time to glue all the pieces back together.