It’s horrible having all these feelings and not being able to do anything about it. I’m so fucking angry and stressed. I can’t stop clawing at my skin and biting myself. It’s unbearable. I don’t want to live like this anymore, the constant depression, the constant anxiety, the constant sexual urges. It’s all too much. It’s suffocating me. Why can’t I have one suicide attempt go right?
I was vomiting throughout last night and have been sick on and off today. I also have terrible stomach cramps and a raging headache. But still not dead.
I’m also currently been driven insane by a massive wave of manic sexual energy. I’ve been punching walls, slamming doors and screaming my lungs off. And the mix of sexual energy, sickness, depression and suicidal thoughts has left me in tears all day.
It feels like I’m receiving a punishment I don’t deserve.
So, after some research I’ve found that ant powder isn’t usually toxic to humans, strange since I used to ingest small amounts when I was younger to some quite painful results. So I’m using some bleach instead. Can’t say I’m not going to miss living, but death is much less painful. I’m certainly going to miss my boyfriend and friends, but they could do better without me anyway.
If only I had the strength to slice my wrists until the bleeding stopped. At least then I wouldn’t be in any ones way. At least then the pain would stop.
I feel exhausted. I’ve spent most of today crying and cutting. I don’t feel like eating, but I forced myself to eat some food. I felt so guilty I made myself throw it up again. It felt kinda weird to do that again after so long.
It’s really kind of you to try and get my spirits up, but I’m beyond done. I have nothing going for me, I have low grades, low self-esteem, low confidence and low motivation. I can’t live in a world like this, I have no future because I’m just not good enough. The world doesn’t need me in any way, shape, or form. All my loved ones would be better off without me, my family would be better off without me, everyone would be better off without me. I have no impact on anything or anyone in any kind of positive manner. No one would be better off with me around. I give up.